All I can do…

Note: This post was written following the Sandy Hook Shooting in the United States. It still brings me to my knees when I think of all that was lost.

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There’s a part of me that can’t pull myself from the tragedy of yesterday…can’t fathom moving on with my day full of shopping and parties and Christmas preparations…and another that believes I have to live my very best life to honour those who can’t.

I’m looking at my children differently. I can’t help it.

Bones came to show me something she made and rather than a brief glance and a “that’s lovely honey,” I totally engaged myself into listening to what she was saying…I had her show me details, explain a little more, I asked a few questions as she lit up with happiness that I actually gave a crap.

Spiderman curled up next to me last night to watch the news and we discussed his opinions as he screamed at the TV reporters to “leave the kids alone and stop asking them questions!” We talked about how deeply saddened he was for the children and teachers, how outraged he was by what happened and his lack of understanding of why high-powered guns were legal. I listened to everything he said and didn’t offer anything further to his rant as he had a full and complete understanding that didn’t require anything more from me.

Both of my children comforted me. ME! While I have a deep desire to protect them from the pain in this world they comforted me. Just by being them.

Part of me wants to curl myself in a ball and stay at home for fear that if I laugh or joke or find something endearing then what does that say on how I feel about the hell that happened yesterday?

How nothing makes sense? How I grieve for those lost.

Except that when Bones told me she was scared…my answer to her was simple. You can’t live your life being scared. All you can do is continue to be a good person. That bad things happen to good people and as horrible and trite as that sounds, it’s true.

And all you can do is be a good person.

I’m looking at my children differently today. While there are so many parents suffering tremendous loss…so many families in pain…all I can do is say a prayer. Listen to my children. Engage myself more. Spend more time with them. Hold them closer.

There’s a part of me that can’t pull myself from the tragedy of yesterday and another that’s woken up.

I will honour those children, their parents and families by continuing to be the very best Mom I can possibly be. By raising my beautiful children. By being a good person. By living a happy, peaceful life…surrounded by love.

It’s all I can do.