My attempt at meditation…

I thought I’d give meditation a whirl.

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how it anchors your mind…keeps you in the present…allows your brain the rest that’s needed from this busy world we live in…improves your health and mental well-being.

And, since my head is filled with a whole lot of crazy lately, I’ve got nothing to lose!

After doing a little research and learning a few methods, I sat comfortably in my favourite spot, set the timer on my iPhone for 5 minutes, closed my eyes, relaxed my shoulders…and began to breathe.

Seriously, how hard can it really be to concentrate on breathing for five minutes!

HOLY FREAKIN’ HARD that’s how hard!

I was told to count my breaths and eventually, I’ll be able to increase my time and won’t need to count anymore. The plan, count until your mind starts to wander and when it does…start back at one.

My mind IMMEDIATELY wandered.

There was the wind outside causing the vinyl siding to creek, the dog snoring in the next room which eventually turned into her barking in her dream, highway traffic I’ve never heard before, a car horn, an itch on my side…which went to the top of my head…which then had me thinking of lice.

My foot tingled…then all but went to sleep. I half wrote this blog in my mind…then remembered I wasn’t supposed to be thinking…then thought about how I’d always been told that if I wasn’t thinking I’d actually be dead…then remembered I was supposed to be concentrating on breathing…which if I’m breathing, I’m not dead.

I kept wandering back to my breathing and it hit me that I’ve never been sure if it’s in through the nose and out through the mouth of vice versa. And how I’m always stuffed up lately. And only ever breathe through my mouth anyway. And wondered if mouth breaths are the same for meditation as nose breaths…and maybe I’m doing this wrong.

I thought of something a friend said yesterday, thought of all the work I had to do, thought how my tires probably need air, questioned how long five minutes takes…then wondered if I could open my eyes to peek at the timer or if that would be “cheating”…then wondered if the timer even worked because I’ve never used it before so maybe I could just peek with one eye…then forced myself not to peek and went back to counting.

I thought about eggs for breakfast. And chicken for supper. And how I never eat them at the same time because I kind of think that would be rude to the chicken. Then I thought about how I should add that to the blog post I was writing in my head because I wonder if other people are like me and won’t eat eggs and chicken at the same time…then I remembered I shouldn’t be writing a blog post in my head. Then the itch came back. As did the lice thoughts.

My Snapchat sounded…and a second…and I wanted to check my snaps but I shook my head and went back to counting. Then I thought how I should have turned off my phone so I wasn’t distracted by the incoming messages. Then I shook my head again as it seemed to work the first time to empty out my thoughts. And I thought about how my dog shakes her head and maybe…maybe it’s just so she can clear the bad thoughts out of her head which got me thinking…what kind of bad thoughts would my dog even have and maybe I’m not a very good dog owner!

I thought of the “five minutes inside a woman’s head” lady and wondered if it all started because she tried to meditate…and thought how maybe, if I mediate, I could end up with really great ideas like the “five minute inside a woman’s head” lady and I wondered how much money she made. Just for writing about five minutes. Inside her head. But if I’m not allowed to think when I’m meditating…then how am I ever going to come up with any good thoughts?

And that’s when the timer went off.

So there…my first attempt at meditation is complete and in total, the highest I got to was FOUR BREATHS before I had to go back again to number one.

Tomorrow, I’ll try again. I have a feeling…it will take a little while…before my mind can rest.

Also…I think I have dry skin, I should probably walk the dog more, I need someone to put air in my tires and once I find that someone, I’ll probably get him to tack down a small piece of siding on the side of the house that flaps in the wind.